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Losing my shit!

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I am a full time mom. That’s my Job and I do it pretty damn well. I am the kind of mom who kisses boo-boos as soon as they happen. The kind who reads Cat in a Hat 7 times; not on the same day but in the same hour! The kind who on certain sick days, has made French toast and then whipped up some scrambled eggs and then made PBnJ sandwiches just so my picky eater ate something, anything at all. I say these things not because I think I am an exceptional mom. I say them because I am a mother and we moms do these kinds of things all day long. I know mine sure did.

A lot of the times I think I’ve got a good handle on this “being a mom” thing. But sometimes I just can’t keep it together and I Lose. My. Shit. I know I did today.

Our day started out much the same. I made breakfast; over which my daughter fussed. I cooked way more than I should have and she ate way less than she could have. We read 6 books, 3 times each. I am not exaggerating! We did the 24 piece jigsaw puzzles and then we decided to paint for a bit. I barely had time to grab some breakfast as we headed out the door for a play date.

When we got back home, my hands we full from the books we picked up at the library. I went in to the bedroom to dump them on the bed. I heard the door slam and assumed like usual Gia had shut it behind her and was sitting there in the passage taking off her shoes.

I came out of the bedroom and saw she wasn’t sitting where she was supposed to be and she wasn’t doing what she was supposed to be doing. For an instant I panicked and looked around the apartment. It’s not that large and in the five micro seconds that I was looking my blood pressure shot up 50 points. I felt a panic attack coming on as I reached for the front door. I opened it fully expecting to see her standing in the passage and she wasn’t there!

At that point my mind just went berserk. I ran into the first stairwell and she wasn’t there either! Now, I truly freaked. I just blindly ran into the other stairwell and found her standing on the steps. She had climbed down one flight of stairs by herself and was standing there at the mid landing.

She looked up at me with those big innocent eyes and said “She not ‘posed to be here. “

I just flew off my handle “What are you doing here? Do you need a spanking? Do you? DO YOU?”

She has never been spanked before, or heard me yell like that, so I am not sure she understood what I was saying. She just stood there blinking.

There I was, the crazy mom, shaking cause I was freaked out and relieved, scared and exhilarated, terrified of the million horrible thoughts in my head and thankful I hadn’t become a statistic in some horrifying story. The adrenalin coursing in my veins was making my heart want to explode. It was the first time in my life I had ever experienced a physical reaction so strong to an emotion. To anger, to be exact.

On a way better day.

I was Mad!

I was mad at myself for not being more watchful and more around than I already am!

I was mad because so much of my life is not my own anymore. Because the one minute I took my eyes off her, was the minute she decided to pull a bat shit crazy stunt.

I was mad because so much could have transpired in such little time. And yet she was blissfully unaware of what could have happened.

I was mad because “Why can’t this world just be a goddamn safer place for my child?”

Through all that screaming, Gia looks up at me calmly and says “No mumma. She no want yelling. She take time out.”

Just like that- as if it was a choice, she marched up the stairs, shut the door behind her and stood in her time out corner. “She get five minute time out. She was not ‘posed to do that.”

I ran over and hugged her and we “timed it out” together.

And then I laughed at myself because that’s what we mommies do- we lose our shit one moment, then we forget and forgive and have fun with the next thing our babies come up with.

Maybe you have never been through an episode like this one and reading this might make you think I am high strung and overly protective. Or maybe you are nodding your head in agreement because you are a parent who has a kiddo who walks around doing crazy stuff. And on occasions have been through this sort of ordeal; where a 5 minute episode like this one has seemed no less than 5 hours. Either ways there are days I do lose it and I am so glad to have you here to share this with :)

24 Comments Post a comment
  1. varsha #

    Hey mommyness..:) I got here through Meenal a while back(shes a fb friend) and have been a lurker all while.I have a toddler girl of almost same age(2 yrs 4 months)and same nature. I see me in you all the time,when I read your posts. :) you write good!
    I know what you are talking about losing shit..happens to me quite more often than yours.I have lot of those moments which am not proud of,which mostly involves short-putting the potatoes or flying pasta(from her side).I feel so ashamed and guilty and like a failure afterwards,but then try to think that am doing the best as I can for her and no matter what ,love her to death.keep it together and kudos for the great job you are doing..sahm is no kidding..been there done that for an year!!

    September 12, 2013
    • So glad that you can relate to my posts! Makes me feel less isolated. And I totally get your guilt, there are times when my temper just flies and then I realize I am arguing with a two year old.
      Thank you for lurking :)

      September 16, 2013
  2. O I had given my mom this moment….when I decided to go for a walk….all by myself….
    (ps….at age 5 )

    September 12, 2013
    • Which only reinforces my conviction, all taureans are crazy…and totally lovable.

      September 16, 2013
  3. Awwwwwwwwww :-)
    Though I can’t really feel how you felt (I’m not a mother), with the way you wrote I could totally imagine how it must have been.
    But your daughter is too cute. I wish you had taken a video of her saying all that. Okay, I’m kidding – I know you weren’t yourself at that moment :)

    September 12, 2013
    • Thank you for the sweet words and thanks for reading.

      September 16, 2013
  4. Janny #

    I turned my back as I was filling up the wading pool, pregnant with our third, when my then 2 1/2 year old walked down our driveway and into the street (to go across the street to visit a neighbor) and stopped traffic on our road that had a 50mph speed limit. When I heard a horn honk, I turned around to see 3 cars stopped and a UPS truck and my little daughter in the road. The woman in the second car got out of her car and screamed at me, “It’s people like YOU that should be sterilized.”
    I ran in the house with both girls and cried and cried. Then went out and turned off the water to the pool. No wading for us that day.
    That daughter is now 33 and it still hurts to remember that day.

    September 12, 2013
    • Thank you so much for sharing Jan!People can be SO insensitive sometimes! Its terrifying to think what could have been but all that matters is that they are safe in the end.

      September 16, 2013
  5. I think a lot of people can empathize with your story. I almost got hit by a car about 5 times when I was very little, according to my mom, because I was a runner. My son is transitioning out of his running phase and he did similar things. If our children graduated from high school with parents that looked well put together and spry, it would look pretty damn weird, wouldn’t it? They’re helping us fit in with the rest of the parenting crowd.

    September 14, 2013
    • That is true Jean, I do feel pretty weird on days I am well put together, just not used to it anymore I guess.

      September 16, 2013
  6. You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t have lose-your-shit mommy moments. :)

    September 16, 2013
    • I agree Alison, losing-your-shit is a very mommy thing to do.

      September 16, 2013
  7. It just takes a second, which my mom always tells me. But we just do the best we can! And you are an amazing mom…I can tell just by the fact that you read the same book more than once. I cannot do that. It’s terrible but I just don’t have it in me.

    September 16, 2013
    • It does just take a second, and that is totally what my mom says too! I read the book more than once because I am forced to, two year olds can get pretty persuasive when they want something. I don’t have it in me either to be honest :)

      September 16, 2013
  8. Well, I’m not a mom, but I do know it takes the patience of a saint to be one, and I know that it can sometimes feel like a thankless job. Usually we don’t appreciate all the stuff our parents did for us till we get older. But I do do know what its like to loose my shit LOL. Dont feel bad about it, we are human, we are all entitled. Give yourself a break, … and a bubble bath ;)
    *kisses* Heavenly

    September 17, 2013
    • Heavenly! The bubble bath sounds heavenly ;) poor joke I know.

      September 25, 2013
  9. It is scary !! Ananya wandered away at Big Bazaar !! We turned to take something off the shelf and in a second she was Gone !! Big bazaar crazy crowded place. I can’t tell you the thoughts running through my head!! We found her a couple of minutes later ( felt like hours). I cried and she said sorry and that was it. Rule enforced now always hold mumma’s hand and if mumma’s hands are full hold her purse or her dupatta or her pocket or her shirt or ANYTHING attached to mumma :) it’s not a safe place anymore and you’re not the only one losing your Shit. It gets better though :) how’s potty training going ??

    September 17, 2013
    • So you know exactly how I felt! It’s crazy how in those few minutes, a million uncool thoughts so through your head. Potty training is done..kinda.. we are at one accident per day. so not done, but done..kinda :)

      September 25, 2013
  10. Oh my goodness, how I can relate! I have seven. I am that mommy too, but can I tell you what I am doing today? The oldest (17) is in charge of the baby, the next oldest (13) is in charge of the younger three and I have retreated to my room for a “time out so that mommy doesn’t go totally insane and end up checking her in to the mental hospital” moment or five. :) With you on this one! You are a great mom! :)

    September 17, 2013
    • Seven! You are a saint. I cannot deal with just this one. Seven would just drive me crazy. But I guess if I could delegate that might just work. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

      September 25, 2013
  11. Sudipta #

    loved the way you expressed each and every feeling of yours. Gia is such a honeybun…She acts just age appropriate. so Mommy please no “Time outs” is completely okay to loose you Nerve and i have done that couple of times but i wish there to be a fixed formula which can work to keep our kids completely in control and safe. You are a Wonderful Mom :) Keep it up

    September 17, 2013
    • Thank you so much Sudipta for your words of encouragement. It is great to have other moms around and know that they are trying just as hard.

      September 25, 2013
  12. you go momma! Its so effing scary when they do that – and when you lay it down on them – they get the message (or alteast you hope they do) – sending the right messages is such a big part of parenting these toddlers. Having my 2.5 year old going through similar phases – I feel your pain.. but really, you did everything right!!!! good job!!

    September 18, 2013
    • Yes 2.5 that dreaded age! It’s just so damn hard sometimes and the guilt, what is the deal with the guilt!

      September 25, 2013

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