Losing my shit!
I am a full time mom. That’s my Job and I do it pretty damn well. I am the kind of mom who kisses boo-boos as soon as they happen. The kind who reads Cat in a Hat 7 times; not on the same day but in the same hour! The kind who on certain sick days, has made French toast and then whipped up some scrambled eggs and then made PBnJ sandwiches just so my picky eater ate something, anything at all. I say these things not because I think I am an exceptional mom. I say them because I am a mother and we moms do these kinds of things all day long. I know mine sure did.
A lot of the times I think I’ve got a good handle on this “being a mom” thing. But sometimes I just can’t keep it together and I Lose. My. Shit. I know I did today.
Our day started out much the same. I made breakfast; over which my daughter fussed. I cooked way more than I should have and she ate way less than she could have. We read 6 books, 3 times each. I am not exaggerating! We did the 24 piece jigsaw puzzles and then we decided to paint for a bit. I barely had time to grab some breakfast as we headed out the door for a play date.
When we got back home, my hands we full from the books we picked up at the library. I went in to the bedroom to dump them on the bed. I heard the door slam and assumed like usual Gia had shut it behind her and was sitting there in the passage taking off her shoes.
I came out of the bedroom and saw she wasn’t sitting where she was supposed to be and she wasn’t doing what she was supposed to be doing. For an instant I panicked and looked around the apartment. It’s not that large and in the five micro seconds that I was looking my blood pressure shot up 50 points. I felt a panic attack coming on as I reached for the front door. I opened it fully expecting to see her standing in the passage and she wasn’t there!
At that point my mind just went berserk. I ran into the first stairwell and she wasn’t there either! Now, I truly freaked. I just blindly ran into the other stairwell and found her standing on the steps. She had climbed down one flight of stairs by herself and was standing there at the mid landing.
She looked up at me with those big innocent eyes and said “She not ‘posed to be here. “
I just flew off my handle “What are you doing here? Do you need a spanking? Do you? DO YOU?”
She has never been spanked before, or heard me yell like that, so I am not sure she understood what I was saying. She just stood there blinking.
There I was, the crazy mom, shaking cause I was freaked out and relieved, scared and exhilarated, terrified of the million horrible thoughts in my head and thankful I hadn’t become a statistic in some horrifying story. The adrenalin coursing in my veins was making my heart want to explode. It was the first time in my life I had ever experienced a physical reaction so strong to an emotion. To anger, to be exact.
I was Mad!
I was mad at myself for not being more watchful and more around than I already am!
I was mad because so much of my life is not my own anymore. Because the one minute I took my eyes off her, was the minute she decided to pull a bat shit crazy stunt.
I was mad because so much could have transpired in such little time. And yet she was blissfully unaware of what could have happened.
I was mad because “Why can’t this world just be a goddamn safer place for my child?”
Through all that screaming, Gia looks up at me calmly and says “No mumma. She no want yelling. She take time out.”
Just like that- as if it was a choice, she marched up the stairs, shut the door behind her and stood in her time out corner. “She get five minute time out. She was not ‘posed to do that.”
I ran over and hugged her and we “timed it out” together.
And then I laughed at myself because that’s what we mommies do- we lose our shit one moment, then we forget and forgive and have fun with the next thing our babies come up with.
Maybe you have never been through an episode like this one and reading this might make you think I am high strung and overly protective. Or maybe you are nodding your head in agreement because you are a parent who has a kiddo who walks around doing crazy stuff. And on occasions have been through this sort of ordeal; where a 5 minute episode like this one has seemed no less than 5 hours. Either ways there are days I do lose it and I am so glad to have you here to share this with