Laws of Toddler Parenthood
The laws of parenting a toddler are baffling. Bafflingly simple that is. I’ve laid out the top ten laws of toddler behavior- this is all science people!
1. The volume of her screeching cries will always be directly proportional to the proximity from your ear i.e. the closer the toddler gets to your ear, the louder her screams will get.
2. The desire for any piece of crapola (also known as toys) increases exponentially depending on how many other toddlers want that same piece of crapola.
3. The urge to lie down while having a tantrum will always be directly proportional to how dirty the floor is. E.g. Parking lot of the Mall is more desirable vs. inside the mall. The bus stop where the hobos hang out near the library vs the inside of the library.
4. While on a road trip; the level of urgency to pee is in direct correlation to the distance from the next pit stop.
5. The inappropriateness of an outfit is directly proportional with the importance of the event you are attending/ your desire to look decent as a family.
6. The need to throw a tantrum will always be directly proportional to the number of people likely to give you condescending looks. Airplanes are a current favorite with us.
7. The cost of the outfit (the toddler’s) is directly proportional to the number of stains she will get on it.
8. Their crazy ass energetic moments are always directly proportional to how tired you feel. My kid is usually bouncing off the walls at 11 pm especially on days she has skipped her nap and I am dead tired!
9. Noise level while you are on the phone is directly proportional to how interesting your conversation with the person on the other end is i.e. more interesting the conversation, louder will the toddler scream.
10. The toddler’s potty time will always coincide with your dinner time. Self-explanatory! (And what the hell is the deal with that)
If you understand and abide by these basic toddler laws of parenting, there will be no more melt downs. I am of course talking about your meltdowns, the toddlers meltdowns shall continue unabated.