A Do Over
Our weekend started early Friday evening when Daddy was home by 5 pm because of a cancelled meeting. We had a blast on Saturday too. We went out with some friends, enjoyed the last vestiges of fall and then there were the Diwali parties. We celebrated, we soaked in the last bit of fall sunshine and we had lots of fun.
But Sunday morning I woke up to a house that was a total mess. It was just one of those times when I would much rather be anywhere but here. And as he came home “early” on Friday, Daddy needed to go in to office and get some “work” done
I was fine with that, since it would literally take me hours to get stuff done around the house.
I had just loaded the dishwasher when Gia said “Mumma I do cookie (that’s what she calls cooking) Can you come over to have fun?”
“No! I am busy.”
She clung to my leg as I was walking around and said “But I making breakfast for lunch! And Froggie and Bunny coming too.”
But I didn’t have time for that! I needed to get some order in the house before my head would explode from how chaotic it all looked. So I said, “Can you quit following me around please?” And it came out much louder than I meant for it to.
She didn’t say much, just “Ok mumma, she play on her own now, she a big girl.”
It was one of those mommy moments where you want to kick yourself for being mean to your two year old. I got what I needed; to be left alone to do my chores, but I knew it wasn’t what I wanted at all.
As I was cleaning the mirror I looked at myself in that moment; I do get the irony about cleaning the mirror at that point. But I did and it gave me pause. Was this what mattered, right now at this instant? A neater house, folded laundry or cleaned dishes. Or was it playing with someone who wanted to have me over for cake and candy, making remembrances together – more so for me, than for her.
I know she is two, she will probably not recall these moments- but I will. I know someday my house will be in perfect order all the time and there will be no one to cling to my leg and to scream for my attention. But I also know I will cherish and treasure the memories of that Sunday morning when I successfully ignored the mess around me and not my child.
Being a mom feels like a 24X7 job at times. Toddlers thrive in order, in knowing what comes next so I have to follow a schedule every day that is not mine. And it becomes just a little bit harder to carve some time out of the day for myself. To do things that I want to do. I talk to my mother about this often. About how frustrating it gets when I need to do something and it takes twice as long because I am not left alone to do it. And she always says “learn to live in the moment, they never come back.” And I agree with her- it’s absolutely true.
Moments are fleeting- all of them, the good ones and the bad ones. Learning to live in them is the best gift we can give ourselves and those around us.
So we didn’t have cake and candy (which by the way is my favorite pretend food) we had scrambled eggs and toast because we were having “breakfast for lunch”. And that day I wasn’t the mom with the cleanest house but I sure was the fun-est mom.